I will be doing spring cleaning this year, not only my house and yard, but my head as well. I have a lot of cobwebs and debris up there. It has been 3 years since my husband died. I think this past year has been the hardest of all for me. That first year when the grief was new, I could put it at bay by keeping busy. The second year, it really set in that he was gone especially around the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I was still keeping busy, but my focus was finding myself. This past year, I think I found myself, but the new challenge is what do I do with the rest of my life. The support system I thought I had with Howard, is completely gone and I really feel that now. Making it on my own has been tough with some wonderful days sprinkled in here and there.
So now another spring is around the corner and I need to clear the cobwebs from my mind. The cobwebs that keep me bound to the shadows that once were Howard. I am still holding on to his tools, supplies and other stuff he collected. I have realized that I can’t seem to let them go. My mind senses the silliness of all this clutter, my heart knows what I am clinging to.
I am clinging to a belief that I am still responsible for taking care of the family. I was the bread winner for most of our married life. I was expected to not only bring home the money, but take care of everyone as well. I have always been this way. I seem to have been born responsible and it just grew as I did. Shaking this belief, removing the sticky cobwebs, clearing the debris this has left behind is the one of the most difficult things I know I must do in order to move forward. The other is showing up completely.
I have hidden myself among the cobwebs and clutter. I have done an excellent job of it these past 50 years or so. I didn’t want people to know that I was flawed, vulnerable or afraid. If you didn’t know the real me, than you couldn’t judge me. But I learned that hiding, being in another’s shadow, fading into the background is not living. It is existing. Letting others take the stage while I worked behind the scenes was easy to do. After while, I no longer existed. When I tried to speak up for myself or wanted to share my thoughts and feelings, I felt ignored and not heard. I never felt good enough or deserving of a better life. And that has been my story, up until now.
I knew from a very young age, I am responsible for my own actions, my own life. Not showing up fully, has been a choice I made over and over again. It was easier to hide.
I cried a lot. Not only for the loss I felt, but for the fear of showing up. I have been afraid to be the powerful person I know I am. I have been afraid that what I have to offer, no one really wants or cares. I have been attaching all these fears to the cobwebs of my mind and they just stuck there. Here it comes again, Spring. A time of renewal, rebirth, shedding the old and celebrating the new. This is my year. I have decided. To clear the mind of fears and cobwebs and let the sun shine from my heart. To be responsible for me. To show up fully and completely. I have said this before, now it is time for action. I am only 58 and I know I will be living well past 100.
As my father once told me when I turned 40 and was freaking out, because I felt I hadn’t accomplished anything in my life up to that point. He said, “It’s not what you didn’t do the last 40 years, it’s, What are you going to do in the next 40 years?”
I can’t do squat, if I don’t walk through my fears and put myself out there.
I found what was holding me back. What is holding you back from being the wonderful person you really are?
Live, Love, Laugh!